A couple of years ago I had this really weird breakdown. I was done with self- doubt somehow and beyond a point I couldn’t deal with the misery of my life the way it had been. I remember it all too well, it was a lazy noon much like it is now. I curled up on my couch with a book in one hand a cup of coffee in the other and some lovely jazz in the background. I was still dealing with the day to day hurdle of stress and anxiety of my life not being perfect or on the right track. All I really truly wanted to do each time was run away or sleep.
My head felt so messy even to myself that I’d started to repel my own company.
Naturally my social life slowly became isolated and I had no control over it. I also didn’t seem to care at that point.
That noon while I was enjoying my book and coffee I kept coming back to “Why is my life like this? How do I come out of it?” I was looking for answers no where to be found and I was tired. Truly exhausted being so miserable.
I placed my book down and grabbed a pen and journal and started writing with a slow pace initially and really fast later. I didn’t stop. I kept writing. Made so many grammatical errors but I didn’t seem to care. After a while I stopped and started reading what I’d been writing since nearly 30 minutes.
Amidst all the other words this statement or question rather kept staring back at me.
“What if it’s not my fault or It’s not my fault.”
And slowly things seemed to make sense.
I’ve been made fun of, bullied, rejected and plenty more and in all this time I only kept blaming myself. Maybe I’m not good enough, I’m stupid, I’m not worth it, maybe I’m too sensitive, maybe I’m too trusting... yada yada yada…
But not once did I stop to ask myself this one little question. Even though I thought about it I could never find the courage to ask me this out loud.
But this noon I did, I had to! As soon as I said it out loud. Allowed it to sink in and be comfortable with this new thought. I felt what I hadn’t felt before. Some kind of freedom. It wasn’t the rebellious freedom but the freedom after years of slavery. I was my own slave.
It took me a good year to be okay with this new feeling. It certainly wasn’t easy to just say and write it one time. I had to practice this each time I felt like crap. Day after day. Month after month. This resulted in me taking some really strong steps for my life and myself. I had to consciously let go of people, change certain habits, adopt certain habits. It took some serious mindset work.
But this one statement was my breaking point. This one statement changed so much about the way I was and how I am. This one statement keeps reminding me that I don’t need to be so harsh on myself or strive to be perfect when it’s truly impossible to be perfect. I learned to befriend my anxiety and my fear.
Do you also have a statement that transformed your life?
Why not take a moment to write about it? How has it helped you since then? Why was that statement so important? Remind yourself today! Talk about it with a loved one or a friend.
Write It down.
Love,
Nikita