4 points to remember on expectations and disappointments from your people of Support

It’s only natural to expect support and validation from people who are important to us and people we value. But it often happens that we’re disappointed and let down. It may not be intentional however sometimes our expectations are not met and this can make us feel unimportant. It can make us feel as if nobody understands us and that we’re alone.

It’s very common for people to tell me that they’re going to give up expecting altogether because it’s pointless and hopeless to do so. It’s better to not share and be vulnerable because we will face disappointments anyway. And I can understand the frustration. I can understand over time it can feel pointless because we’re not seen and heard the way we truly would like to be.

Based on what I have learned and understood about expectations is that it can get a little tricky. Sometimes due to various reasons and circumstances people may not be in a position to support us and it may have nothing to do with the way they feel about us, even if it appears that way.

In my opinion, it can sometimes be a little unfair to put a lot of pressure on someone just because they’re our family, friends, partner, and so on. We’re all individuals with our own limitations and it’s possible that sometimes our expectations are not met by the people we expect from because ideally, they may not be in a position to provide that kind of support.

In my own personal life, I’ve now come to understand that not everyone in my life will be able to give me the kind of support I need. But it doesn’t mean they don’t care about me or love me.

Not everyone can live up to our expectations because not everyone will have the capacity to do so. Everyone has something to offer and give and based on what they can give, I’ve come to understand that’s the kind of support they can fully and genuinely offer.

I can’t expect a call from someone whom I’m expecting to check in on me when I know it’s not something they do. But I know that if I call this person and ask them to talk to me, they’ll certainly give me their time. I can’t expect empathy from someone who may not view the world in the way I do but I can always choose to let go of my worry by spending some fun times with them and that’s the kind of support they will be able to provide. From my experience, it’s unfair to put so much pressure and expectation on people just because they’re a part of our lives.

• Inner and outer circle – It’s important to know and understand the importance people have in our life. It’s necessary to know where they stand in our life and the priority, we’d like to give them. I’ve come to understand that not everyone will and should have the same importance in our life. The way people behave tends to have a huge effect on us and our well-being. When we’re not sure about where people stand in our lives it can feel like a lot of unnecessary pain and disappointment. By doing this we aren’t discarding someone’s presence in our lives however it can help us differentiate our immediate people of support.

  
  

I’ve seen a lot of people try to build connections and then set expectations that are naturally not fulfilled. By trying to differentiate this it helps us give a bird’s eye view of the boundaries we need to maintain and respect and the right people we can reach out to for that support.

Activity – On a page make 3 circles, the innermost circle in the middle of the page being the smallest, then draw a bigger circle around the innermost circle, followed by a bigger circle around the second circle. In the innermost circle write down your name. That circle is just about you and the kind of support you can expect from yourself. In the second circle write down the names of people you can think of instantly who is your most trusted people. In the outer circle write the names of people you’ve left out from the second circle but are still important to you. Based on your life and phases and experiences the names can interchange.

This will give you a practical idea and help you seek only those people who you know will be able to support you.

• Expectations – Yes, it’s completely okay to expect things from our dear ones. But it’s important to understand to pause and check what we’re expecting and whether they’re in the capacity to fulfill them. It’s not wrong to pause and make a list of what to expect from whom. From my experience personally and working as a therapist I’ve noticed that it’s important to do so. Especially as highly sensitive people, this kind of check-in will prevent us from being constantly disappointed and will spare us from putting ourselves down all the time.

For e.g., we can expect love from our parents however, to expect that they ‘should’ understand our life choices may not always be possible. If we keep trying to expect them to do that not only, are we causing them discomfort but also, we’re constantly distancing ourselves from that love because we feel disappointed that they don’t understand our life choices. And eventually, start to say that our parents don’t support us. This kind of pressure can be unhealthy.

Activity – On a page, make a list of expectations you have and try to understand who in your life may be best to fulfill them and understand them currently.

• Communication – When start to assume a lot instead of getting the facts right we definitely experience disappointments a lot more. On my journey, I’m learning about the right communication every day and I’m often surprised at how easy it becomes when we communicate properly. Often times we expect people to simply understand what we may need. Because they’re our partners and friends however we tend to forget that it’s not their responsibility to think about what you may need at that moment. They may have different priorities and we may not be very important at that moment. However, when we do communicate and let them know that we perhaps need them to do something for us, chances are they may try to accommodate accordingly.

Often times I’ve seen spouses feel unimportant because they expect the other person to just assume what they may need and when it doesn’t go that way, they feel disappointed and start to question their relationship altogether. When the same thing is communicated calmly, I’ve seen the bond deepen and grow beautifully.

It’s unfair to assume that people should always understand just because they’re our partner/friend/family.

Activity – On a page write down where you need support right now and how can your friend/partner/parent support you. Next, write down how can you communicate this in a healthy way.

• Boundaries – This is important when it comes to expectations. It’s always important to check with our people of support if they’re in fact ready to offer that kind of support at that moment. We all have things to do and sometimes it can be difficult to make space for something that may require a lot of energy and time. It’s important to keep in mind that sometimes they may not be available and to not take this personally. Again, this doesn’t indicate that people don’t care or that we don’t matter, but maybe they need a little space too so they can be there for you in the best possible way. Respecting such boundaries is healthy and necessary.

I’ve often seen people form misunderstandings and take it too personally when the people they expect support from are unable to be there. And when their people come back to offer that support, they’re made to feel guilty or unappreciated for not being there.

Activity – On a page write down backup options if your people of support are unavailable at the moment you need them the most. This will not only help you respect their boundary but also allow you to process your crisis effectively.

The points I’ve shared here could be difficult to process but I’d like to invite you to try these the next time you feel neglected or alone because your expectations were not met by the people you need the most.

I’ve seen this happen a lot in my practice and when I’ve provided even one of these points as an approach to my clients, I’ve seen how the perspective changes.

It’s understandable when someone constantly violates your trust or is never there for you despite the benefit of the doubt. However, it helps to pause and introspect before jumping to conclusions that could upset you or make you feel unappreciated or neglected.

I’ve always relied on effective communication because it’s always easier to express what you want and need instead of hoping that people would just understand. Of course, it feels wonderful and soothing when someone offers to be there, however, when it doesn’t happen that way, it’s best to express yourself calmly.

I hope this article helps provide a different perspective when it comes to your people of support.

Thank you for reading!

This article is also published on my Substack - Click here for the link