This feeling of Disconnect
I wanted to scream but couldn’t seem to find my voice. I was dealing with a lot emotionally and instead of trying to fight or solve or manage my problems, I realized I was just really tired. I was beyond exhausted, not in the physical way but just mentally. I didn’t want to think a lot, didn’t want to feel, didn’t want to listen or talk. I wanted to switch off. I wanted to take off. Somewhere peaceful, alone and distant.
I was doing okay considering my life in general, there wasn’t anything particularly wrong with me or my life. But there was a disconnect. I could sense it. The things that made me smile, no longer did. The things that gave me peace, made me anxious. I got really tired of the routine and monotony of daily life, not that there was something wrong with it, I simply didn’t feel it was worth anything at all.
At this point I should mention that I wasn’t going through depression or otherwise usually mistaken “mood swings” or “PMS”. It wasn’t stoicism as well. This was a disconnect. More like things were happening to me and I was getting swept away. There wasn’t any control over my mind or body. If there was it wasn't by me.
As someone who always likes to take charge, I wasn’t okay with this. I kept pushing myself to keep going, day after day. Pretending as if everything is okay and everything is in charge. At first, I assumed it was working. I assumed I’d managed to trick my mind and body to believe that I was in charge and everything was just okay.
It blew up in my face, soon thereafter!
I found myself even more sucked into this feeling than I did before. I experienced a lot of body pain, headaches, felt very nauseated too. Uncontrollable crying and overthinking. But I couldn’t really figure out what was wrong. I couldn’t really understand why this was happening. I didn't think anything was missing in my life. My work was flourishing, I had something to look forward to daily. Despite that, I felt this disconnect.
I realized after a while that trying to figure out the “why’ wasn’t going to help, I needed to figure out “how” to manage this challenge. I somehow understood that if there was a disconnect, I needed to find a connect. I needed to find out how to reconnect. This felt quite challenging when I thought about it. I was clueless. I wasn’t sure how to find this connect.
There’s a term I’m fairly acquainted with, it’s called – Grounding. While learning reiki and crystal healing I’d come cross this word quite often but never fully grasped the concept. I went back to understand this concept now, as was the requirement.
Ideally, grounding or being grounded means being present with your body and staying connected to the earth. Like a tree that’s fixed on the earth does. It calmly deals with all kinds of weather without losing its balance and ground. Being grounded also means that you’re not easily influenced by unfortunate and unforeseeable circumstances or situations.
I’ve never felt comfortable with the word ‘balance’. It’s always made me feel as if it was forced on me. As someone who lives her life on extremes most of the times, this word always annoyed me. Now I had to no option but to find a way to this balance. But I wanted to do it in a manner that felt comfortable to me and would be an ideal solution for me.
Emotionally I knew I couldn’t do much. I was in no position to. What made sense and felt practical was to try to do something that was more physical.
Feet on the ground –
Believe it or not, I started with something as basic as this. I felt given that grounding was connecting with the earth, what better way to do it than this? Every morning before waking up, I put my feet firmly on the ground for about 5 minutes. Closed my eyes and tried to feel the way the earth felt below my feet. It wasn’t a profound feeling at first but slowly day after day it made me more focused. I can’t explain how that happened but I started feeling more aware of how I felt even if for a sort while. It felt as if the earth was preparing me for the day ahead. Don’t knock it till you try it, trust me, as ambiguous as it sounds, it helped me a great deal.