This feeling of Disconnect
I wanted to scream but couldn’t seem to find my voice. I was dealing with a lot emotionally and instead of trying to fight or solve or manage my problems, I realized I was just really tired. I was beyond exhausted, not in the physical way but just mentally. I didn’t want to think a lot, didn’t want to feel, didn’t want to listen or talk. I wanted to switch off. I wanted to take off. Somewhere peaceful, alone and distant.
I was doing okay considering my life in general, there wasn’t anything particularly wrong with me or my life. But there was a disconnect. I could sense it. The things that made me smile, no longer did. The things that gave me peace, made me anxious. I got really tired of the routine and monotony of daily life, not that there was something wrong with it, I simply didn’t feel it was worth anything at all.
At this point I should mention that I wasn’t going through depression or otherwise usually mistaken “mood swings” or “PMS”. It wasn’t stoicism as well. This was a disconnect. More like things were happening to me and I was getting swept away. There wasn’t any control over my mind or body. If there was it wasn't by me.
As someone who always likes to take charge, I wasn’t okay with this. I kept pushing myself to keep going, day after day. Pretending as if everything is okay and everything is in charge. At first, I assumed it was working. I assumed I’d managed to trick my mind and body to believe that I was in charge and everything was just okay.
It blew up in my face, soon thereafter!
I found myself even more sucked into this feeling than I did before. I experienced a lot of body pain, headaches, felt very nauseated too. Uncontrollable crying and overthinking. But I couldn’t really figure out what was wrong. I couldn’t really understand why this was happening. I didn't think anything was missing in my life. My work was flourishing, I had something to look forward to daily. Despite that, I felt this disconnect.
I realized after a while that trying to figure out the “why’ wasn’t going to help, I needed to figure out “how” to manage this challenge. I somehow understood that if there was a disconnect, I needed to find a connect. I needed to find out how to reconnect. This felt quite challenging when I thought about it. I was clueless. I wasn’t sure how to find this connect.
There’s a term I’m fairly acquainted with, it’s called – Grounding. While learning reiki and crystal healing I’d come cross this word quite often but never fully grasped the concept. I went back to understand this concept now, as was the requirement.
Ideally, grounding or being grounded means being present with your body and staying connected to the earth. Like a tree that’s fixed on the earth does. It calmly deals with all kinds of weather without losing its balance and ground. Being grounded also means that you’re not easily influenced by unfortunate and unforeseeable circumstances or situations.
I’ve never felt comfortable with the word ‘balance’. It’s always made me feel as if it was forced on me. As someone who lives her life on extremes most of the times, this word always annoyed me. Now I had to no option but to find a way to this balance. But I wanted to do it in a manner that felt comfortable to me and would be an ideal solution for me.
Emotionally I knew I couldn’t do much. I was in no position to. What made sense and felt practical was to try to do something that was more physical.
Feet on the ground –
Believe it or not, I started with something as basic as this. I felt given that grounding was connecting with the earth, what better way to do it than this? Every morning before waking up, I put my feet firmly on the ground for about 5 minutes. Closed my eyes and tried to feel the way the earth felt below my feet. It wasn’t a profound feeling at first but slowly day after day it made me more focused. I can’t explain how that happened but I started feeling more aware of how I felt even if for a sort while. It felt as if the earth was preparing me for the day ahead. Don’t knock it till you try it, trust me, as ambiguous as it sounds, it helped me a great deal.
Spending time in Nature –
I live in Chennai. The beaches of Chennai are quite beautiful and I felt very fortunate to be able to actually hear the sound of waves from the ocean than an app. So, I started going to the beach as often as I could. The entire experience made me feel alive. Like there was so much I needed to do and accomplish. Every time I went to the beach, I felt a connection to life. I think nature does that to you.
I swear I absolutely disliked this but I knew this was non-negotiable. I had to physically move and start a workout, just so there could be an even flow of energy in my body. It would also help with the body pain I was going through due to all the stiffness and lack of physical activity. I think our bodies tend to block the free flow of energy if it is not nurtured properly and that can cause harm not just physically but also emotionally and mentally.
Change of routine –
Change, any kind of change brings newness, this newness helps to reconnect with curiosity and we tend to look forward to the experience. It helps us feel certain again. I decided to bring a change in my routine. Since my work always allows me the freedom of time, I decided to make use of that. It worked quite beautifully for me. As predicted, I felt more certain about my day-to-day life. I slept better, worked better and eventually felt better.
Instead of diving in and trying out everything, I stuck with these 4 methods for a long time. I wasn’t looking forward to meditation in order to find the balance. In that moment, I knew it wouldn’t work. I needed something more tangible in a sense. Something more visible. Of course, meditation helps a great deal but the disconnect in me was too intense and I couldn’t find myself to simply sit and breathe.
I do feel a disconnect every now and then. I’ve come to realize it’s quite common among introverts and highly sensitive people, to feel this disconnect. I swear by these methods each time. It’s slow, unconventional too perhaps, but it usually helps me.
I hope this article and these methods help you too. If you’ve tried them out, share your experience with me.
Thank you for stopping by.