Counselling Psychologist & Mental Health Coach for Women

“How can you relate to my pain? Things I’ve gone through and endured. How can anyone understand my Pain? It’s not possible. It’s not the same. My heart was broken. I was betrayed. Do you know what this means? I will never be able to trust anyone again! My happiness is gone! All I’m left with is so much pain. How can you or anyone relate to this pain? My pain!?” I can feel the soft breeze of cool air from the rain touching my face. There’s a power cut due to the rains and everything is dark. The only light that comes is from the diyas and votives. As I sit here in this dark, trying to write about this experience. These words feel so familiar. I feel as if I’ve said these words before. Many times! Each time I close my eyes and think about her words I can only think about how close her agony feels to me, as if it’s me who is in pain and not her. As if she and I are in the same boat, wrapped in the same skin. Even then, I wonder, ‘Is it possible that I don’t understand her pain?’ Her words have taken me back to a time when my world had come crashing down. I was in pain. All I could think about those days was closing my eyes and escaping into a world where pain didn’t exist. The memory flashes before my eyes, its been so many years but it feels as if it happened just now. The memory is too painful for me to revisit. Each time I do, I can only feel my skin burn with anger. The betrayal, the pain, the trauma. Even today, it feels too much. As I watch the rain, I take a deep breath, almost as if to calm myself, her words come back to me, “My happiness is gone! All I’m left with is so much pain!” Once again, I shut my eyes and started to think about my own happiness. I’m happy today considering the pain I had to endure back then. It raised a question that felt very unsettling. ‘Was my pain, less compared to her pain? Was my pain not that painful? If it was painful, how is it that I’m happy today? How is it that I laugh and smile and have a good time today? Was my pain less compared to her pain? And if that’s true should it not make me feel calmer considering It wasn’t as painful?” But I felt far from calm. All I could think about was I’d once said the same words. Exactly the same way. Is that just a mere coincidence or does everyone in pain feel the same way? I remember someone told me something beautiful a long time ago about my career. I don’t recall her exact words but it was something on the lines of, “You have the capacity to take in pain. The way it feels and the way it reflects. I admire you for it.” Today as I sit here and write about this, I realize I wasn’t very happy when they’d said it. It felt as if it was a bad thing. “How can taking in pain be a good thing?” I said to myself. After years of practice and working with women, just talking with them when they are in pain, I think I can safely say it was a compliment. In my present moment, I smile just thinking about this. Yes, I understand pain. Yes, I can relate to pain. I’m not an unhappy person. But I know how it feels when someone’s in pain. The desperation, the anger, the feeling of suffocation, the hope that this pain will end someday, looking and searching for a way to solve things, make things better again, feel normal, just like before. Yes, I understand pain. The more I write about this and think about this the more I realize that pain is so personal. It’s so deep-rooted that it’s possible to feel as if no one will ever understand it. But the fact is that it may not be that way. When we’re in pain, our judgement is not always helpful. Its foggy and confused. We’re at the verge of shutting everything and everyone out, it’s understandable to say that we may not be okay with anyone’s pity, concern, counsel, sympathy or even love. Anger quickly replaces pain several times because our confusion gets the better of us. Anger makes us feel in control of this pain. A way to try and make sense of this pain. But a question comes to mind as I write, ‘Is it only because I went through something that made me feel so empathetic about pain? Would I understand pain if I wouldn’t have gone through pain myself?’ I immediately start thinking about the people I’ve encountered in my life who seem to have never been affected or felt pain. A few faces come to my mind and quickly fade away. Eventually I conclude that we’re all aware of pain. In some form or the other. We’re all afraid of pain too. That could be one of the reasons why we don’t listen to the pain someone maybe going through. The possibility that it may hit close to home, trigger the pain we’ve tried to overcome is daunting. With the help of the candle light I quickly go to my book shelf and pick out a book that reflected something close to pain. It wasn’t the exact same thing but close. I pre-ordered this book because I’d been following the author on Instagram and I was so nervous to read the book. I wasn’t prepared or aware of the emotions I may go through. So what if it wasn’t a direct connection to my life? I was still nervous and yet very anxious to read the book and the stories. So, with an anxious heart, I opened it and slowly kept reading. Today as I talk about pain, I thought about this book. I don’t have all the answers yet. I’m still searching. I’m still trying to understand. I know sometimes we shun pain away because we’re not sure how it would affect our lives if we were to go through that same pain. Sometimes we feel as though people are callous because they seem to have it all, no care in the world, free from pain but the more I think about it the more this callousness feels like a defense and oblivion. Morality and humanity are yet to be taken into consideration. But from a stand-alone perspective it comes across as defense due to known or unknown fear. I’m not sure how this helps anyone. How understanding about pain will help anyone. And as I conclude my thoughts on pain, I can listen to her words again – “How can anyone understand my Pain? It’s not possible. It’s not the same.” I smile. I’m not so sure that’s true anymore. Pain is Pain. There’s no rank or degree to which pain can be measured as worse or better. All we can do is be supportive, not judge and be kind. The lights have come back on. But I continue to sit here for a while. Look at the rains, as if washing my pain away! THE BREATH-WORK PRACTICE - I hope this breath-work helps I your pain. It helps me calm down. I often use this during my sessions with my clients and they feel emotional and calm and lighter. Sit/lie down in a comfortable position. Place your left hand on your heart and right hand on top of it. Close your eyes. Initially breathe normally. Once you feel centered and focused, take a deep breath, inhale – hold for a count of four – Exhale. Repeat this minimum of 5-6 times, maximum as 10 times. Be gentle and slow with the practice. If you feel light headed or dizzy, come back to normal breathing. As you inhale and exhale focus on the pain that you’re going through. Allow the thoughts to come during the practice. If you cry or fee emotional it’s okay, let it out. Close your practice with rubbing your hands and placing it the palm on your eyes. Open your eyes slowly and journal your experience. It’s okay if you fall off to sleep while practicing. I highly recommend you read this book. And practice this breath-work. Thank you so much for stopping by.

It’s only human of us to expect things to move and change quickly and without too much stress or discomfort. I’ve always wondered why is change so difficult? Is it just for me or for other people as well? Why do other people experience change so easily and why am I always feeling so uncomfortable? Am I the only one afraid of change? Honestly, I still don’t have the answers to all these questions. I’m still trying to find an answer that feel authentic if not reliable. When I look at a baby, I realize how much time, love we offer them. Their first movement, their first words, the first time they crawl, or eat, or say “mama”. The transition from a baby to a child is so delicate, so full of love, so easy-going. Look at a plant, slowly and beautifully transitioning from a seed to a plant, to a tree, to bearing fruits and flowers. I’m not a plant person, but I’ve come to slowly learn to embrace the transition of a plant. I look forward to the growth. I think as adults we’re constantly comparing our growth with that of someone else regardless of their journey, their goals and their focus. It’s not only not right but also visibly unnecessary. I think one of the reasons that we find it difficult to move and grow is the necessity to hang on and hoard. Even if its unpleasant, even if it harms our peace. At times its with people, at times with things. When talking about transition, I have to talk about endings. I have to state the fact that endings are not only important but almost like a compulsion. Endings don’t always need to bear connotations to bad, unpleasant, ruins, downfall… it could very well mean, improvement, growth, moving on, the next phase/step, evolve. Your perspective makes a lot of difference. I remember a time when I was torn between being a psychologist and my love for reading cards. I was good at both you know. Sometimes one paved a way for the other. But I felt as if this transition would bring me more harm than good. So, I kept pushing it away. Naturally experiencing unhappiness till one day I couldn’t really push it any further and allowed the change to happen. Today in my sessions, I use cards as well. In fact, it helps me understand deep rooted fear and emotions of my clients and helps clients understand more about them as well. I needed time to understand how to include these as a part of my work but once I let it be, it kind of automatically fit itself in. I’m not sure if this makes sense to you. It probably won’t till you actually experience it. Whether it’s your personal life or your professional life. Transitions can only be experienced not matter how much you describe it. Have you ever looked at yourself one day and wondered if you’ve suddenly changed since last year/last month/last week? Do you feel a shift in the energy? As if it’s you but something’s suddenly changed? You suddenly feel energetic, happy, confident and feel as if you’re ready for anything. This is an example of a delicate transition. It happens slowly, silently and it doesn’t feel that way till one day you wake up and realize something has changed. I work with clients who are in transition in my opinion. They’re dealing with ending, change, trying to understand it and be comfortable with it. A delicate transition can help you open many doors, can change your life in a way you don’t expect. It’s an adventure that you can’t prepare for but have to be mindful about it. I’m going to wrap up this article with a small affirmation – ‘If this is for my good, I now easily trust and accept this transition’ Thank you for stopping by and reading this. I hope it helps you in evaluating your current life changes better.

Earlier this year I went on a trip. I needed a break and I was hoping to get the peace I longed. It was exactly as I’d hoped I would be. The air was thin and pure. Each time it brushed my skin it felt as a cleanse. I was mindful than I’d ever been. Less pollution, mountains, snow, the greenery, it was perfect. I wondered what it would be like if I could live here. It had only been a day and already I felt so light and peaceful. The next day, the boredom set in. I couldn’t really understand what went wrong. I didn’t know why but all I could think about was streets full of people, the noise, the daily hustle. There were still a few places to visit and see but my moment of tranquility had passed. It was beautiful, something I will always cherish but it had passed. Needless to say, I was disappointed and confused. Why had I made such a fuss about getting away if eventually I missed my daily life so much? What game was this? What went wrong? Without focusing on it too much, I tried to enjoy the rest of my trip. It went well and I had a lot of fun but I couldn’t feel that moment of tranquility again. I kept thinking about this moment of tranquility. I couldn’t get it out of my mind. As soon as I got home, we were under lock-down and everything paused. It was a forced rest but not everybody could. People kept talking about their businesses, their jobs, they kept talking about the economy. Where would these people find their peace and serenity? Even getting out of homes was not an option. Our moment of tranquility and serenity depends on our environment that’s true but it also depends on how we can make the most of it. We’ve surrounded ourselves with people who don’t bring out the best in us, we’ve been struggling to stay happy because we’ve been holding onto so much that we aren’t ready to let go of. Travelling for the sake of travelling is a beautiful experience, however travelling for the sake of some happiness and peace lasts only for a moment. A few days ago, someone told me how wonderful it would be if they could go away and settle in some peaceful land. Then, all their problems would go away. I didn’t say anything to them, not because I didn’t have anything to say but because I didn’t want them to be deprived of the moment of tranquility that I experienced. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how often I’d taken for granted my life here. I’ve had these moments of peace, where the world faded out and I was in a different, more peaceful world. I could open a window, look at the sky, the birds and smile just looking at them. I could listen to the rain pouring against my window, the smell of earth soaking in the cold water. I could watch the moon in its beautiful light. Anytime I laughed with my family I could feel it, that moment of tranquility! Silence or peace is not about isolation and mountains. Its about what feels like home. What makes you feel grounded and connected in this moment. One day in the warmth of the noon, sit and observe the world around you. Take a look at the furniture firmly supporting, the clothes that are on the rack, that vase on your desk, the pile of papers flying in a pattern due to the air from the fan, the night lamp on your bedside providing light in its stillness, the books neatly stacked. Observe in that stillness your moment of tranquility! Of course, I wish to go back into those beautiful mountains and spend my time there. I wish to go back and feel that cold breeze again, snuggle in my blanket and watch the view outside while enjoying my cup of good ginger tea. I want to back for them, not to escape from my life or to find that peace. My moment of tranquility is anywhere I can find it. It lasts for a moment, sure, but it fills my heart and leaves me feeling happy and hopeful. Thank you for stopping by. I hope this article gives you something to think and reflect about. If it does do let me know what you think.

I have this opinion that every month has a word or a theme. This theme helps to focus on that theme as a way to grow personally and also professionally. Growth is essential but most of the times we are all over the place and somehow don’t know what to focus on. Having a theme helps. It’s a sign that you need to wok on this area for better success and happiness. Based on your sun sign I’d like to give you your word on the month – something you can work on for your personal and professional growth + I’ll provide a journal prompt that will help bring in clarity. Aries word of the month – Assertiveness – It’s important to express yourself truthfully. The words you speak make a lot of difference also the way you say these words make a lot of difference. Speak your mind in a way that reflects your personality. Lack of assertiveness could also reduce your confidence. Focus on the way you express yourself. Journal Prompt – “How can I express my feelings without sounding angry/helpless?” Taurus word of the month – Surrender – It’s okay to let go and surrender in terms of control. You’re a work in progress and there will be times you may have to let go of the things and beliefs you’ve been controlling. Surrendering doesn’t make you weak but is an opportunity to learn more and unwind. If you’ve been holding on to something tightly now is the time to surrender. You can surrender to love, to god, to the universe, to peace. Journal Prompt – “What does surrender mean to me right now? How can I make the most of it?” Gemini word of the month – Love – Allow yourself to let go of the judgements and look past the mistakes of people, surroundings, even yourself. Let love in – your life, your surroundings, by people, your past. Fill it with love. Love is the fastest way to heal and grow. Focus on receiving and giving love. Journal Prompt – “Why am I afraid to receive the love I deserve?” Cancer word of the month – Reward - Not everyone is going to stop to praise you. At times you may need to do that for yourself. Compliments is a wise way to feel motivated. It’s important to pause and celebrate for all the work you've done so far. Do something for yourself that feels rewarding and at the same time motivates you to keep going. Journal Prompt – “How can I celebrate about my achievements?” Leo word of the month – Endings – Did you know that endings are a great indication that something new is going to happen? It’s a sign that you need to let go of what doesn’t serve you so you can welcome new things in your life. This is the perfect time to work on your endings. Detox and cleanse as much as you can physically, emotionally, materialistically. Journal Prompt – “What do I need to let go of?” Virgo word of the month – Refresh – Open all the curtains and windows and breathe in the fresh air. Go for a walk. Take a step outside your comfort zone. Redo your everyday schedule. If you’re a creature of habit, try something new. Take up gardening as a hobby. Surround yourself with greenery. Journal Prompt – “In what way can I bring in more fresh air into my life?” Libra word of the month – Innocence – Call out to your inner child and do what your heart desires. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Don’t allow your mistakes and past to define you. Give yourself the permission to eat, laugh, cry, smile, wonder, live just as your inner child once did or wanted to. Journal Prompt – “What does my Inner child need right now?” Scorpio word of the month – Relationships – The balance in any relationship is very important. If you only give or only expect you lose that balance. Even the relationship you have with yourself is the same. To heal and attract other relations in your life, reconnect with yourself first. Journal Prompt – “In what way can I reconnect with myself?” Sagittarius word of the month – Faith – some people have faith in god, some in the universe, some in people who love them. Faith is a bridge to hope and dreams. It’s a way to breathe when all hope is lost. It takes a great deal to put a lot of faith in yourself too. This is a time to rely on your faith. Journal Prompt – “How/in what way can I rely on my faith?” Capricorn word of the month – Serve – There’s so much in you that the world is calling out to you. Knowing that you can be of service to someone will fill your heart with joy and love. If you’ve been holding out to help people, to guide and assist them, now is the perfect time to go out there and help. Journal Prompt – “In what way can I be of service?” Aquarius word of the month – Comfort – Find your sweet spot at home. Pour yourself some coffee/tea/wine/hot chocolate and read or Netflix. Pamper yourself. Do all that makes you feel comfortable. Infuse loving thoughts. Self-care is the best cure for worry. Make the most of it. Journal Prompt – “What makes me feel comfortable and how often should I do it?” Pisces word of the month – Abundance – You can attract more only when you believe there’s room for more people. Shift your mindset from competition to collaboration. Face your insecurities to attract abundance. Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you. Journal Prompt – “If I let go of my insecurities, what can I welcome in my life?” So, here’s a simple word of the month for you with a little interpretation by me. Of course, feel free to implement the meaning that seems fit to you and your current situation. Anytime you feel stuck, reflect your word of the month, it’ll help you refocus and take the next best step. If you’re interested in an in-depth personal reading, go ahead and book a reading.

I’m just going to go ahead and say it – We’re terrified of kindness. We want it and expect it but we’re extremely terrified of it. I think it’s the feeling we simply can’t seem to shake off that kindness appears vulnerable and too gullible. I’ve talked about kindness with people and it’s always the same – “I don’t want them to take advantage of me” and this fear, this worry is the reason we’re always on edge. The only reason I think we feel so insecure about being hurt is because we’re also not good at showing kindness to ourselves. We jump to making judgments about how we’re not good judge of characters or how we’re not good at something or how its so bad that we’re so vulnerable. Sometimes we tend to compare our present based on the experiences of our past and convincing ourselves that being kind is not always a good thing. Let’s say if someone does take advantage of your kindness, does it reflect poorly on you or on them? How does it then control your life or affect your ability to be kind in your life? I think what’s important to remember that showing kindness is not about others as much as it is about our choice. We chose to be kind to a certain person. Should we then expect the other person to be grateful or appreciative? – Ideally not necessarily. Showing kindness is a value you choose to express but being appreciative is not a value that you will always receive. Sometimes your kindness will be left unrewarded. And that’s okay. I’m certainly not advocating you turn a blind eye to those who really harm you. It’s just as essential to draw the line. Boundaries are important and this way you show yourself some kindness. The price of kindness is never too high. Its about the feeling of satisfaction that you did something selfless. It’s a kind of personal growth that also tends to heal you in many ways. The act of kindness doesn’t always have to be too big, something small also does the trick. We’re filled with insecurities, guilt, burden, stress and so much more – being kind is a practice that allows you to forget all that and be mindful. Doing something for someone else is a great mindfulness practice. Especially in a world where we’re always thinking about ourselves, our comfort, our success. Being kind is the least we can do. I really hate home chores but when I do it with the intention of helping my mom so that her burden is reduced it makes me feel at peace about doing something for her. Similarly, you too could do an act of kindness today and note your experience – if it feels good, try to practice it every day.

I dreaded the fact I was so empathetic, so understanding. It felt like a weakness. Even after studying Psychology I couldn’t really fathom the idea that I was so empathetic or that I easily connected with people who were going through something. It felt as a quality that could be misused easily by others especially in relationships or with people. If you’re an introvert and a highly sensitive person, you know what I’m talking about. Especially because I would get hurt by the way people sometimes behaved. Sometimes it came off as rude which was something I wasn’t used to. Even today, it’s something I’m not really used to. But with time I’ve learnt a few things that actually helped me feel okay and normal about being an empath. #1 – Not everyone is Kind – People have their own journeys and personalities and they have their own way of behaving. This doesn’t always mean kindness as an add-on. Most people are not as kind. Also, it would be unfair to expect the same level of kindness from other people. #2 – Not everyone is worth your compassion – Sounds pretty callous doesn’t it? But that’s the truth. It’s wise to give chances and give people the benefit of the doubt. But what good does it do when they don’t value it? I learnt this the hard way that even though you may understand the other person, even though you feel what they’re going through, you don’t always need to or have to shower your energy on them, knowing that it may go unappreciated or not valued. #3 – Not everyone wants your help/advice – Believe it or not, I learnt this little wisdom from reading cards. As a Psychologist it becomes second nature to understand and offer help but as a reader, I learnt that sometimes people just want clarity. They aren’t really interested in a counselling session. Even though you understand their situation or feel that the way they’re thinking is going to harm them, you need to hold off on giving any kind of help unless they really ask you. I completely understand how selfish or careless that may sound. But sometimes it’s also helpful to mark some boundaries. #4 – Not everyone should be saved or healed by you – I think this goes without saying, if you’re an empath, you’re probably carrying the weight of the world. You’ve given yourself the responsibility that you have to be there for everyone, even if you don’t want to or can’t be there for everyone. Especially in relationships, being an empath and being a psychologist, I needed to learn that I can’t be everyone’s saviour and I don’t really have to. I can support them but it’s not my responsibility to fix them or save them. Even at work, it was incredibly tough in the beginning when I had to understand that as a psychologist, counsellor my job wasn’t to fix people but to guide them. #5 – Not everyone feels all the feels – Yes, that’s the truth! Not everyone is as empathetic and this I had to learn with mindful practice. Sometimes this was incredibly tough as I would feel very disappointed in people when I would overthink and overstress. Sometimes I felt weak and vulnerable as a person or too serious as a person in the company of people who didn’t feel the feels the way I did. I had to learn to be comfortable with that. I’ll admit it was a bit tough but with time I learnt how to find my balance. And honestly that mix felt good. Due to these factors I’ve come to embrace being an empath in a healthy manner instead of feeling embarrassed, too weak about it or hesitant about it. If you’re an empath, a highly sensitive person and feel drained most of the times especially after a bitter experience try to reflect on it using these points mentioned above. See if it helps to change your perspective in a better way. If that doesn’t help, you can always work with ME to figure this out.

Recently talking to a client made me realize how easily we tend to berate and demean every thought we get. Even if it means something to us, we tend to belittle it because even though in our minds its driving us really frustrated, we aren’t wired to accept and run with it. Recently so much has been spoken about mindset and positive thinking that it really can get exhausting after a while. With so many advises and concepts on mindset, it can become extremely overwhelming to say the least about what we think. In my experience I’ve come to realize just how little importance and value we give to our thoughts. Sometimes we operate by the thoughts of other people without really weighing in on the effect it has on our lives. We keep battling with our thoughts, asking if these thoughts are good or bad? - “Am I supposed to think this way?” – this slowly becomes the normal question. We often conclude by saying, “if these thoughts are bad, then there must be something seriously wrong with me.” 4 ways to really understand your thoughts instead of running away from it - Become aware – Instead of judging your thoughts, try to become more aware of it. In recent times, I’ve noticed that we’ve become so afraid if our thoughts that we try as best as we can to avoid what we assume are bad thoughts. Avoiding thoughts is not only unhealthy but extremely chaotic as well. Let’s assume there’s this one thought that keeps popping up in your head. For e.g., let’s say you think, “I’m not happy for this person. They don’t deserve this and I’m not happy they’re achieving this” – This thought by your definition is a bad thought. But the minute this thought comes into our mind, we try to suppress it. We force ourselves to think exactly the opposite of that thought. By doing this we’re not only suppressing the thought but also the feelings and emotions attached to it. But, when you bring this thought to your awareness, it helps you dig deeper. Which instead also reduces your anxiety, worry, guilt and shame. Reflect on it – Reflection of thoughts is seriously not an easy process. It’s painful to say the least. I also understand why most of us prefer to shun it away instead of understanding it. But personally speaking, reflecting on my thoughts has helped me face most of my terrors. Sometimes our environmental conditioning has a huge impact on the way we think or the way we perceive our thoughts. Sometimes it’s our experiences that tend to create these doubts about our thoughts. Sometimes we tend to discard our thoughts calling it petty or stupid. But our thoughts bear some weightage and importance. It’s a sign. It’s a message. If there’s a thought that just refuses to leave from your conscious, it means you need to spend some time on it. Reflection is a great tool in my opinion. It’s extremely scary, yes, to look at our thoughts as is, could be very scary but it’s very effective. Express it – Have you heard of a concept called as the “Thought Dump”? What it really means is to let all our thoughts out in a flow on paper. Even if it doesn’t make sense. Even if it is grammatically incorrect. Even if you’ve used an abusive language. Its fine. Thought dump is the most effective way to express your thoughts without feeling violated or vulnerable or judged. Sometimes it’s not about understanding it as much as just letting it all out. It’s like a mental cleanse and release. Letting go of the toxic. Sometimes the feeling of freedom is temporary but it’s essential in the moment. Since what you express is in private it also allows you to be honest with yourself. The more you practice this the more you find a way to connect with your thoughts and the more you feel balanced and grounded. Re-frame – I see more and more people labelling their thoughts as good and bad. I’m not completely against it but what if we were to label our thoughts as healthy v/s unhealthy? When we label our thoughts as good and bad, we start to question our personality and morality. If we have thoughts of jealousy, envy, anger then we fall in “I’m a bad person” category. If we force ourselves to think positive then we fall in “I’m such a good person” category. This way we’re sending a message to our brain that no matter what thoughts relating to anger, jealousy, envy are bad thoughts. Eventually this line of thought and belief automatically blocks our growth in our personal and our professional life. When you take the same thoughts and re-frame them as unhealthy – that’s something you can work on. Bad is more of a dead-end. A way to say there’s no hope for this thought. Choose a method or a way that you most relate with. If you feel like using these as 4 steps to understand your thoughts you could do that as well. These methods are kind of known and heard of but it doesn’t hurt to go over them again and use them in situations that follow. Next time you have a thought, try to pause and think about the reason it’s popping up in your life. Focus on how to understand it instead of trying to get rid of it or running away from it. Trying to spend time to mindfully understand these thoughts do not really mean that you’re getting conscious. It ideally means that you’re getting more mindful about your thoughts. Be kind and patient with yourself. The thoughts that you’re trying to escape are here to change the way you perceive your life. I hope this article helps you to mindfully understand your thoughts. If you're interested an in-depth understanding of your thoughts, Work with ME

I grew up listening to stories of prince charming and was quite familiar with the concept of damsel in distress. Just like every girl I loved sappy romantic movies. Back in the 90s most women were not acquainted with the word independent as we are today. Back in the day, women ‘needed’ to be married to feel complete or purposeful. Most books, movies, songs were so much about finding that perfect partner to feel complete. It was romantic alright, but here’s the problem. It was not true! It was far far away from reality. Before you call me a cynic. Nope! I’m not. I do believe in love and romance and romantic relationships. What I don’t believe in, is that you can find “Your” true happiness in a relationship. I don’t believe that finding the true partner is going to make me happy or fix my problems. Yes, relationships are beautiful. But they are not a tool for self-worth and problem fixers. I learnt this the hard way. Being in a Relationship doesn’t guarantee Happiness! But happiness does guarantee a beautiful Relationship. Think about it, if you’re not happy with yourself or with your life. Why do you think another person will have the potential to make you happy or make your life happier? It’s essential to find happiness within you, find that bff within you before you search for it in another person. Here’s why - #1 - Your partner will not complete you – This is the biggest myth. Relationships don’t complete you. Yes, it’s a beautiful feeling to be in love and share your life with another person. But it doesn’t complete you. A relationship cannot keep you happy, positive, confident or solve your problems all the time. Relationships are an add-on to your happiness but not totally responsible for your happiness. #2 - Relationships don’t help with your insecurities – Relationships will not make you feel good about yourself or help you find that self-worth. I’ve heard this so many times when women tell me, they want to find that confident guy, they want to find a guy who can understand them (read: problems, issues) but is it really okay to expect so much from a person? It’s not your partners responsibility to help you with your insecurities. You need to work on it yourself. Yes, your partner can be supportive but can’t fix your problems. #3 - Relationships will not fill that emptiness in you – Even when you find that understanding guy, he will not fill that void in you. We all have our own lives to deal with. Our own battles to fight and our own dreams and ambitions. Since we’re all individuals it only makes sense to find that passion and purpose from your life and not from a person. Even those who are in a beautiful relationship need to work on themselves to find that passion and purpose to fill that void in their lives. #4 - Depending on your partner for happiness will create a toxic relationship – Maybe it’s my experience by living with a single mother that helped me realize this. It has been nearly 18ish years since my dad passed away and I haven’t seen her sad or unhappy. My parents had a beautiful relationship, a friendly one. Only because they didn’t depend on each other for validation or approval of self-worth. They enjoyed each other’s company and they learnt a lot from one another as equals but they were not dependent on each other for their personal happiness. Its not selfish to find your happiness from yourself instead of your partner. Yes, you can have a friendly relationship with your partner but you need to have that friendly relationship with yourself first. You can feel happy being with your partner but they are not responsible for your happiness. Your partner can be supportive but finding a validation from them, expecting them to always be there for you can be toxic. I refused to marry and be in a relationship with someone because back then I wasn’t happy with myself and wasn’t confident about myself. I had no idea what I liked and didn’t like. Who I was and what my purpose was. I didn’t want to depend on another person for my happiness. I always believed that finding my happiness was my job. The idea of being in a relationship should be about the other person, about love and compassion. Not not a way to fill a void or fix your problems. If you are in a relationship, you have a wonderful guy but if something is not right, reflect on these reasons. Do you find your answer? If you're single and want to be in a relationship ask yourself - why? Is it to fill a void or because of love? Work on this Prompt – “If I were to be in a relationship with myself, how would that be? What would I expect from her? How would she keep me happy?” Reflect on the answer you get. I hope this prompt motivates you to work on your happiness. Thank you for stopping by!

“I wish I could be like her” In my teen years, I remember I would say this so often. As an introvert, I always assumed I was weird. I wasn’t as expressive as other people around me. I was too empathetic. I was happy in my own world. I didn’t care much about competition. I didn’t make fun of other people. I was interested in reading as opposed to playing. I wasn’t the popular kid or the ideal kid. My maturity age was higher than my actual age. I couldn’t fathom small talk but enjoyed meaningful conversations. I also hated too much boy talk but loved to talk about the world. I came up with a list that included all the limitations, at least that’s what I assumed. I’ve never been much of a talker unless absolutely necessary. I always thought that this was a sign of weakness or a limitation in me that needed some serious fixing. I wasn’t mute. I just took my time to open up immediately. I used to observe a lot before instantly making friends or mingling with people. This was a problem according to me. Unacceptable and something I needed to work on. That was until an incident that made me come to an awareness and insight that our limitations can be our strengths if we learn to reframe our perception, our mindset, our beliefs and attitudes. I had joined a program after I graduated with my master’s degree. This was a very small group of 6 people including me. Even though I managed to connect with others in the group I was still not forthcoming with starting a conversation or giving an opinion unless very necessary. In my mind, I was battling with the “talk – don’t talk”, dialogues as I assumed that less talking was problematic. One day we were all stating things we liked in each other. It was a small exercise. When it was my turn and they had to say something about me, I was very nervous and wondered if there was anything genuinely good about me, that they would like. As people started talking one woman said, that she loves the way I observe more and talk when needed. According to her, even though I talked less, whatever little I said made the point and she wished she could be more observant like me. I was so surprised and overjoyed. Somebody wanted to be like me and appreciated what I thought all my life was a weakness! That’s when it really hit me. Is it possible that our weaknesses or limitation can serve as our strengths in different areas of our lives? Another example that I can give is about a trait that is not usually appreciated in relationships - being too adamant! I am very adamant. I don’t give up too easily. I don’t settle just to please. In relationships, however, this has never worked for me. I’ve had to learn to be more flexible and learn to let go. But due to the fact that being adamant is inherent, I managed to use it as a strength at work. Being adamant about starting a business, not giving up despite all the problems, really helped me in staying focused and not losing my ground during unfavourable times. If you’d like to try and reframe your limitation into a strength, you can go through these simple steps – Step #1 – Write all your traits or write about your nature and personality without defining it as good and bad, right or wrong. Step #2 – Circle the traits that you feel are your strengths. Rewrite it in a column. The ones that haven’t been circled will be your limitations or weakness by default. Step #3 – On a blank sheet of paper make a vertical line in the middle and a horizontal line. Which will give you four boxes. Or you could simply make four boxes. Now label each box with – Career/Business, Relationship/love, Health/wellness, Self/lifestyle. Step #4 – Take the limitations/weaknesses one by one and try putting them in box(s) you think it’ll serve as strengths. (For eg., Being too vulnerable can appear to be a weakness in career/business but serves as a great strength in self/lifestyle, relationships/love, health/wellness.) Once you’re done with limitations you can try the same as your strengths, on a different paper. Step #5 – Take a look at your new strengths! Step #6 – Journal about the next steps you need to take in order to be comfortable with your new strengths, also journal about the way you feel about these new strengths. Anytime I work with a client, the first session is usually always about strengths and weaknesses. Whether it’s in our personal or professional lives I feel the awareness we have towards our strengths and limitations really helps in setting the foundation. A lot of times we’re encouraged to concentrate only on our strengths and let go of our weaknesses or limitations but in reality, our limitations are just as important and necessary as strengths. They are a part of us and are inherent for a reason. Don’t worry about how your strengths appear to other people around you. They are for your benefit and growth. Having said that, it takes practice to apply these strengths in a balanced way that it serves your highest good. I hope this article helps you to reframe your limitations into strengths. I’ve gone ahead and created a free workbook of these steps that you can claim and get started right away.

In my program, week 02 is about getting clarity and confidence by quieten your inner critical voice. This is a module that really amazes people. I think it does that because I ask them to use these internal voices as a pathway or messages to bring more clarity. When our inner voice says – “You cannot do this!” “You are a failure!” “You aren’t good enough!” “You aren’t ready!” We naturally feel ashamed or embarrassed of ourselves. We feel really bogged down by the emotions and feelings attached with these thoughts and beliefs. But what if we take it as a message instead of taking it as criticism? #1 – Ask Questions When we hear a voice that says – “You cannot do this” – We feel disheartened and agree with our critical voice. But what if we stop and ask that voice, “Hey, you say I cannot do this, but why not? Why can’t I do this? What’s the problem? Where is your proof?” Asking questions to probe further is also a way of self-counselling. We use this during sessions and asking questions further brings more clarity. #2 – Compassionately Motivate The Inner critical voice is afraid. That’s why it creates a blockage by telling us we aren’t ready or good enough. The message that we receive here is that the critical mind needs motivation and support. By compassionately encouraging the critical voice we tend to quieten the fear. When our critical voice says – “You aren’t good enough” or “You aren’t ready” We can encourage our critical voice by saying, “I agree with you, I’m not good enough right now but with practice I will be” “Yes, I may not be ready but I’m ready to give it a shot. I’ll learn and with time, I’ll feel ready” #3 – Challenging your critical Voice The inner critical voice tends to stop and distract us because it’s scared and it tries to scare us too. When we feel as if our critical voice is overpowering we can try challenging it. Challenge the thoughts and beliefs. Sometimes when we become rebellious, we are fueled with confidence and courage. The message we take here that sometimes it’s important to fight and challenge. #4 – Saying No Our critical voice has this influence over us. So each time it says, “you are worthless” we say, “yes, maybe I am” When it says, “You’ll make a fool of yourself” we say “Yes I will” but what if we start to say No? What if we say, “NO I’m not worthless. I am worthy!” “No, I wont make a fool of myself, in fact I’ll have a good time!” – The message we receive here is that we need to stand up to ourselves. These are some of the methods I use and teach as well in my program and you can try it out as well. We all experience doubts and fear and there’s no way to never feel it. But using such methods we try to lessen the affect it has over us. The messages in general that I’ve received by applying these techniques is – Trust your intuition over your fear Understand your Facts over your Assumptions Focus on your goal over your excuses Stand up for yourself Comfort yourself I’ve obviously given you a very general idea. I work with my clients in detail in the program which I hope you do apply for. Each of us have a different way of approaching these critical voices. In this article I’ve mentioned about the critical voice I often battle with. My clients sometimes go through criticism where they find the need to be too perfect or they take themselves too seriously or the need to keep holding on to things. It depends from person to person. We all have these critical voices that pop up from time to time. Its normal and natural. But we don’t have to always succumb to it and deal with it. My aim of this article is to show you that when you change your critical voice from criticism to messages it gives you hope and courage and confidence. I hope the next time you feel bogged down by your critical voice you remember one of these methods and apply them in the way you feel comfortable and appropriate. Thank you for stopping by.